S10.06 | Taking Control: Five Steps to Change Your Behavior for Good
In today’s discussion, Carla dives deep into the crucial topic of behavior change.
Drawing from her personal journey, she emphasizes the importance of taking responsibility for our actions and offers a practical five-step plan to help you transform your behavior.
Carla shares how our actions are often rooted in core beliefs and how reflecting on these can lead to profound change.
Get ready for a candid conversation about reflecting on your life, identifying behaviors to shift, and acknowledging your responsibility and control. Whether you're dealing with trauma, mental health issues, or simply seeking personal growth, this episode offers actionable insights to help you navigate your journey. Don't miss this essential guide to becoming a better steward of your behavior. Tune in, and let's get started!
Did you know that Carla is a Christian Mental Health coach?
See if working with her is what you need in your current season.
Book a discovery call today!
Key Takeaways
Reflect on Your BehavioUr:
Carla emphasizes the importance of introspection and evaluating how you show up in your life and relationships. Understanding the current state of your interactions can be eye-opening.
Acknowledge Ownership:
:Recognize that you have control over your behavior, and take ownership of your actions. Understand that change starts with the acknowledgement of your role in your life's situations.
Commit to Stewarding Your BehavioUr:
Commit to acting as a daughter of the King, stewarding your behavior well, and producing the fruit of the Spirit. Engage in continuous learning, healing, and personal growth to reflect God's love and character.
Ready to break free from overwhelm and step into the abundant life God has for you? 🌿✨ My Spring 2025 Group Coaching with Retreat is your chance to heal, grow, and thrive in a Christ-centered community. 🙏💖 Together, we’ll uncover the lies holding you back, rewrite your story with God’s truth, and create a path to lasting transformation. 🕊️✨ Spots are limited—learn more here!
Book a FREE Discovery call to explore working 1:1 with Carla
Connect With Carla:
Foundations to Healing—-> https://www.carlaarges.com/foundations-of-healing
Inquire about 1:1 coaching ---> Book a FREE Discovery call
Come hangout on IG with me @carlaarges
Check out the blog
Resources:
5 Steps to Building Resiliency
Affirming Truths Facebook Community
5 Tips for Overcoming a Negative Body Image
Who You Say I Am Biblical Affirmation Cards
TRANSCRIPT
Carla Arges [00:00:08]:
Hey, friends. Welcome to Affirming Truths. I'm your friend and host, Carla Arges. This show is a safe place to share our struggles, grow in faith, and root our identity in Christ.
Carla Arges [00:00:20]:
My hope is that you will leave.
Carla Arges [00:00:21]:
Each episode feeling encouraged in your journey. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode.
Carla Arges [00:00:27]:
And it would mean the world to.
Carla Arges [00:00:28]:
Me if you would leave a review. I am so glad you're here. Let's get started.
Carla Arges [00:00:36]:
Hello and welcome to Affirming Truth.
Carla Arges [00:00:39]:
I am so grateful you're joining me here today.
Carla Arges [00:00:42]:
We are in for a big discussion. I feel like I say that most weeks though. I mean, when you speak in the area of trauma, of mental health, the faith or struggle, is there really any light conversation? It's all kind of big stuff, isn't it? But we're here for that, right? We're here to convince, confront the big stuff. Because why? Because we want to change. And today's episode is all about how to change your behavior. Listen, here is something that really stood out to me over a decade ago when I realized I had to draw the line in the sand, take responsibility for my behavior and change. My life was when I came face to face with my son, when I was behaving in an inappropriate way, driven by rage, founded in trauma and mental illness. And I saw the look in his eyes of fear.
Carla Arges [00:01:47]:
And I decided, I committed, that I would never be the source of that look in my son's face again. I made that commitment. But then I actually had to learn how to change my behavior. And if you've listened to me over the years, if you follow me on Instagram, if you've attended any of my free workshops, you know that a lot of times I talk about how our behavior is really rooted in our core beliefs. What do we believe to be true about ourselves, about the world, and about God? And this isn't about our intellectual belief. We have a lot of things that we know intellectually, but at a visceral level, they don't align to what our intellectual knowledge is. Right? Like, I can intellectually know that God is good because the Bible says so, but I could viscerally believe that God's goodness is not meant for me. You see, the disconnect and how I behave is going to be based on that visceral belief, not what I intellectually think.
Carla Arges [00:03:09]:
And so I want to take you through five steps. This is going to be a quick episode. We're not going to have a lot of filler here. These are just actionable steps that you need to Take to start to change your behavior, Going to go through five of them. And right off the bat, number one is that you have to reflect, really reflect on how are you showing up in your life? What is the state of your relationships? Right? Do people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you? Is there constant tension? Do you find that you struggle in a lot of relationships? Do you not have the relationship you want with your kids? Like, really take a time to reflect. And then in that, number two is identify. Identify behaviors that you would like to shift. And this means.
Carla Arges [00:04:10]:
This means really putting down any victim mentality, really releasing any blame. Like, well, if they didn't do that, I wouldn't react like that. Listen, we are not going to be a people of reaction. We are going to be people that respond with wise mind, with Christ likeness. Okay? It's not, I did this because so and so did this. No, we're not going to be reactive. We're not going to be tit for tat. That's not who we are.
Carla Arges [00:04:49]:
As daughters of the king, we are above that. And so you really have to identify, what do I own in this? And this is where, number three, the acknowledgment comes in. You have to acknowledge ownership, reflect on the behaviors, reflect on the state of your relationships, reflect on the state of your life. Identify any patterns that you see in your own behavior and then acknowledge that you have control over them. You may not yet have learned how to exercise control over them. That may be something that you have to learn. That may be a skill that you have to develop. But you have to acknowledge that in fact you are responsible for your behavior.
Carla Arges [00:05:43]:
It's not about what other people do. It's not about your circumstance. You are in control of your behavior, even if at times you feel out of control. Because, listen, before I started to do the work, I would feel out of control. I would be reacting like a freight train barreling down the train tracks before I even knew what happened. Why? Because I hadn't taken the time to heal. I hadn't taken ownership over my wounds and the work that would have to do to heal. I didn't take ownership over regulating my nervous system and renewing my mind.
Carla Arges [00:06:24]:
I didn't take ownership over that. But as soon as I acknowledged in that moment, when I saw my son's face, that I was never going to behave like that again, I took full responsibility. It didn't matter that I was a product of childhood trauma. It doesn't matter that I had mental illness. That wasn't being treated at the time, none of it mattered. Because in that moment I decided to acknowledge that it was my responsibility and to take ownership on changing the course of that. If you do not get to the place where you can acknowledge your responsibility, your ownership, your control over who you are and how you show up, behavior will not change. We cannot change that which we don't acknowledge.
Carla Arges [00:07:25]:
We cannot change that which we don't take ownership over. Changing. If we're waiting for everyone else to change, we'll never change. If we're waiting for our circumstances to change, we'll never change. Our lives should be producing the fruit of the spirit. Love, kindness, patience, loving, kindness, joy. We should be producing the fruit of the spirit. Not in and of ourselves.
Carla Arges [00:07:59]:
It's partnership with the spirit, but we should be producing it. And the degree to which we produce it is a hundred percent our responsibility. If you look at your life and you cannot see the fruit of the spirit, that's a you thing. And I say that with all love and without judgment. But to be your tough coach, Carla, today, to wake you up to what you need to be woken up to. If the fruit of the spirit is not existing in your relationships, if the fruit of the spirit is not existing in your life, if you are not operating with the Christian character that God is calling you to operate with, and I don't mean just showmanship, and I don't just mean going through the motions. I'm talking about true heart transformation. Then that's a you problem that you have to solve, that you have to decide, yes, I'm going to take ownership over this.
Carla Arges [00:08:57]:
Yes, I'm going to do the work. Yes, I'm going to invite the Holy Spirit in to reveal to me what needs to be purged. I'm going to do the work of purging it. I'm going to do the work of being pruned. I'm going to do the work of being transformed. Where I need to heal, I'm going to heal. Where I need to forgive, I'm going to forgive. Where I need to learn coping skills, I'm going to learn them.
Carla Arges [00:09:21]:
I'm going to do the work. You have to reflect honestly without a lens at pointing blame. You have to identify your role in where relationships are going south. And then you have to acknowledge your responsibility. Those can be the three hardest things to do. Those first three steps can be so hard because I know for me, I was stuck in victim mentality for so long. It was everyone else's fault that I was the way that I Was it was my parents fault that I was the way that I was. It was the fact that I was homeless when I was 14, that I was the way that I was.
Carla Arges [00:10:10]:
It was the trauma that I experienced and the. The violation I experienced that was responsible for my behavior. Now those things are very real and they impacted me. They changed the wiring of my brain. They disregulated my nervous system. That's information on why certain things were happening in my life and why certain behaviors were manifesting in my life. But as an adult. As an adult, I had a choice to make.
Carla Arges [00:10:53]:
To allow it to continue that way or to say no more. I am not a victim of my circumstance anymore. God did not design me to go through life as a victim. He designed me to be a conqueror. He took my pain and my wound to the cross. And in him I have healing. Yes. I have to work out some of that healing.
Carla Arges [00:11:21]:
Yes. I have to partner with him and do some work. Yes. Not all of that healing may be realized on this side of heaven. But I've got to do the work. I've got to acknowledge my rule. I've got to take ownership. And that's what you need to do too, friend.
Carla Arges [00:11:41]:
If you want to change your behavior, you have to acknowledge that it is within your control and your will to change your behavior. Now that acknowledgement doesn't mean it happens overnight. I drew a line in the sand that day. I saw my son and I decided to take ownership and take responsibility and never be the person that caused my son to look like that again. And I wasn't. But to get to where I am today took years. Years of determined self study into trauma, into bipolar, into borderline. It took being open to medications to support the functioning of my brain.
Carla Arges [00:12:35]:
It took being open to finding the right therapist because I had to go through a few and not get discouraged until I found one that was actually trauma informed and educated in borderline that could provide me effective treatment. I didn't find her right away, but what a gift she has been. I still go to her. I keep a monthly appointment with her because I continue to need a safe place to process with someone that's an expert. It's not my husband's job to be my therapist. It's not my best friend's job to be my therapist. Sure, they can hold space for me and can support me as I work through things, but it's not their job to be the professional who's trained in helping me go through things. It takes work and it takes time.
Carla Arges [00:13:27]:
So you reflect you identify, you acknowledge your role, your responsibility, your ownership, and then you do the work to rewire. What do I mean by that? So, like I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, our behaviors in large are driven by these core beliefs that we hold, core beliefs that are often shaped by our early childhood experiences, lies of the enemy, things that may have been spoken over us by people of influence. And these core beliefs, which are usually, like I said, based on lies and not our identity in Christ, have us believing that we're not good enough, that we're not lovable, that we have to earn love, that the only way we can be safe is if we're perfect. And so we have to rewire those core beliefs. We have to do the work of identifying what they really are, addressing the truth instead of the lie anchored in scripture and then rehearsing it out loud daily. You know, neuroscience reveals this practice of renewing our mind in how we can create new neural pathways of thinking through repetition, through rethinking and overthinking the right thoughts. Right, not overthinking the bad thoughts, but declaring, I am a child of God, God who is loved. I don't need to earn my worth.
Carla Arges [00:15:19]:
And thinking on that and speaking that out loud because there's power in the spoken word and rewiring the belief that would say otherwise. When I believe that I don't have to earn my worth and that I am worthy because God has chosen me and I am called and I am loved and I am blameless and I am holy before the Lord. When I really believe that how I show up is different. I'm not triggered by someone that may hit the old wound of me believing I'm not loved. I'm not triggered by an event that in the past may have made me real in insecurity. No, my security is in Christ. There is nothing, no one can say or do to me that can rob me of who I am in Christ. And I operate and I live by the truth of, of God's word, by the power of the Holy Spirit in me.
Carla Arges [00:16:17]:
And I am an overcomer in Christ, and I will not be moved. I will stand firm in the place God has called me to be, and I will produce fruit. I will allow the Holy Spirit to purge and prune me, and I will be fruitful and I will have relationships that. That reveal godly character. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to have a relationship with everyone. There are sometimes toxic people in our life that we have to put boundaries around, right? But I am going to operate as a daughter of a king, I am a joint heir with Christ. I have been adopted into the family. I'm going to operate and behave as such.
Carla Arges [00:17:09]:
Why? Because that's my visceral belief now. And so you need to do the work of rewiring your visceral belief. You have to do the work of renewing your mind so that you can act as if the truth of who you are is true. Because it is. When I'm not triggered, because my own old wounds aren't being tapped on, I can operate with wise mind. I can face a difficult situation. And instead of being driven by emotion that is data, but is not reflective of reality, oftentimes, instead of being driven by the impulsivity of emotion that usually gets us in trouble, right? Whenever we make decisions of out of emotion, I can make decisions, including the decision on how to behave and respond based on, okay, who am I in Christ? Who am I in Christ? I'm not the little injured girl. I am made whole.
Carla Arges [00:18:24]:
I am in control of my response here. I will bear fruit for the kingdom of God. I will be a testimony to his goodness and love and his grace. I choose that. That is my ownership. That is the role that I play. And so if you want to change your behavior, you got to acknowledge and take ownership over where you're missing the mark. You got to do the work to rewire your core beliefs.
Carla Arges [00:18:59]:
And then in doing that, act as if you are a daughter of the king. Because you are. Because you are. We are going to be diving into this rewiring work in my six week group coaching program with retreat, we are going to be diving into this. With this group coaching and retreat, you get access to foundations, to healing, which dives into this as well. And so if this is an area in your life where you're ready to draw a line in the sand and say, okay, I want to do the work, then I want to invite you to be one of the small group of women that's going to go through this program with me. All the details are in the link in the show notes, so you can check them out there. And you can always book a discovery call with me to see if this is right for you.
Carla Arges [00:19:57]:
But my affirming truth for you today is I am in control of my behavior and I commit to stewarding it well. We are stewards. We are ambassadors of Christ. And so since I am in control of my behavior, I commit to stewarding it well. And being a good steward is growing and learning and healing and resourcing yourself appropriately. My anchoring verse for you today comes from Ephesians 4:22 24 and it says you were taught with regard to your former life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds and put on the new self. Created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Right? You are called to be made new in the attitude of your minds.
Carla Arges [00:21:05]:
This is where we need to renew and rewire. You are called to put on the new self. This is your action. Your action to walk according to to the image and example of God in true righteousness and holiness. Empowered by the Holy Spirit to do it. You are in control of your behavior and it's time to commit to stewarding it. Well, I'll talk to you later. Friends.
Carla Arges [00:21:46]:
Thank you for joining me today. I hope we're already friends on social media, but if we're not, come find me on Instagram, arlaarges or Firming Truth. Can't wait to see you back here next week. Bye friends.