S3 Bonus | Marriage Talks with Terry Arges. Keys to Communication and Conflict with your Spouse

Aug 4

Carla's husband Terry is back and they are talking about all things communication and handling conflict. Listen in on their conversation and be encouraged to see communication with your spouse in a new way.

The Role of Ego

Carla’s Ego/Agenda:

Carla shares how a desperation to:

be heard,
be right, or
have our point of view considered

can push our agenda to the forefront of a conversation or confrontation and she shares how she entered a lot of conversations with Terry with the perspective “How can I win?” or “How can I be right?”

She points to her upbringing that developed a need within her to fight to be heard.

Carla’s agenda: My way at all costs.

Terry’s Ego/Agenda

Terry responds that he responded to Carla with a conflict-avoidant tactic, not believing that the confrontation was worth the discomfort of the moment, and how he would and how his emotions would eventually bubble up in other situations, either passive-aggressively or blowing up over something small.

Carla points to Terry’s upbringing and her own responses as reinforcers to his avoidance conflict style.

Terry’s agenda: No conflict at all cost.

Their ways of approaching conflict and expressing their ego did not work to serve their marriage. At all! Carla and Terry approached conflict from opposite ends of the spectrum and worked out of ego. Resentment and conflict was always bubbling under the surface and it was not loving or fruitful.

Getting on the Same Team

Marriage is going to have conflict. We all have different perceptions, perspectives, & upbringing and conflict is inevitable. It came to a point where they had to ask themselves “Are we in this for ourselves or are we in this together?” Carla and Terry decided to be a team and become two people fighting one problem, not two people fighting each other.

Carla has found freedom in feeling fully supported by Terry and vice versa - this happened when they laid down their agendas and decided to fight their problems together.

Dream together, get on the same page and develop common goals. Developing a shared vision for the future makes it easier to be partners to achieve your goals. Terry notes that it is important to focus on progress over perfection - goals and visions are anchors, not targets. Having a shared vision/goal helps couples approach conflict as a team. Carla shares how this was important as she and Terry developed financial health.

A conflict is actually an opportunity to grow closer as a couple. The approach matters. Ask yourself how you can grow closer as you approach conflict or discussion - let that guide you! Practicing gentleness and calmness helps you both win - work to not catch your partner off guard or in the midst of great stress. Schedule a time, if you need to!

Ask yourself if you are slow to speak and slow to anger when in conflict or conversation. Assume the best of your partner!

Inviting God Into Your Marriage

God has to be Lord over your marriage!

Are you practicing mutual submission in your marriage? Wives, are you respecting your husbands? Husbands, are you loving your wives? Get into the context of the instruction for marriage laid out to us in Ephesians.

You can’t control your husbands, you can only control how you show up in your marriage.

Carla asks Terry how a wife can show up for a husband who struggles to relinquish his ego.

Terry challenges wives to remain calm in tense situations, if their husband does not meet them in their emotions with love, meet them with logic to explain your feelings.

Carla encourages a proactive approach - wives asking their husbands to sit down and cast vision and call them back to it when their marriage is not aligning with said vision.

Don’t forget to pray for your spouse and keep your heart softened towards them and their experiences!