S6 Bonus 8 | Faith As A Guide Through A Difficult Adoption Experience with Jenell Jones
Today Carla sits down with Jenell to talk about her painful adoption experience as an adoptive mother, trying to navigate unknown trauma and mental illness in her adoptive daughter with little to know support.
Through the most difficult season of her life, Jenell clings to the hope of Jesus. May you be encouraged to do the same.
Jenell M. Jones is an early education entrepreneur and author of her new book, Shattered.
Connect with Jenell at JenellJones.com.
Challenges in Adoption
Janelle's story revolves around adopting her daughter, Mercy.
Initial expectations versus the reality of adoption.
Hidden challenges and trauma that were not disclosed during the adoption process.
Impact on Personal and Professional Life
The toll adoption took on Janelle personally and professionally.
Balancing a career, family, and the challenges of raising a child with trauma and mental illness.
Navigating Regret and Guilt
Moments of regret and the guilt that follows.
Acknowledging the difficult emotions and understanding the need for self-compassion.
Reconciling Faith and Adoption
How Janelle reconciled her faith with the shattering experience of adoption.
Trusting God's plan even in the midst of challenges.
Finding God's Fingerprints
Recognizing God's presence in the journey, even in the midst of turmoil.
Drawing comfort from the assurance that God never leaves or forsakes.
Advice for Struggling Moms
Encouragement for moms facing challenges with adopted or traumatized children.
Embracing self-care, seeking help, and building a supportive community.
Model authenticity for children by acknowledging mistakes and seeking help.
Takeaways from "Shattered"
Encouraging conversations about the difficulties faced by adopted children.
Advocacy for changes in the system to protect vulnerable children and their families.
Connect With Carla:
Inquire about 1:1 coaching ---> carlaagreswellness@gmail.com
Join In His Image Wellness Collective ---> carlaargeswellness@gmail.com
Come hangout on IG with me @carlaarges
Check out the blog
TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Carla: Hey friends, welcome to Affirming Truths. I'm your friend and host, Carla Arges. This show is a safe place to share our struggles, grow in faith, and root our identity in Christ. My hope is that you will leave each episode feeling encouraged in your journey. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review.
[00:00:30] Carla: I am so glad you're here. Let's get
[00:00:33] Jenell: started.
[00:00:38] Carla: Hey, affirming truths. It is Carla here with another bonus episode. And I am so excited for the guests to have with us today. We are speaking to Janelle Jones, who is the author of Shattered, which just released this past Mid month, this May, May 16th, um, and in this book, she really shares [00:01:00] the truth behind America's foster and adoption system, um, the challenges of raising kids with mental, um, and physical traumas and really draws on her own experience of her adoption story with her daughter, Mercy.
[00:01:17] Carla: Welcome to the show, Janelle. It is so great to have you here.
[00:01:22] Jenell: Thank you. Thank you for having me. It is a pleasure to be here.
[00:01:27] Carla: When your story came across my inbox, I was really interested in it because I have quite a few friends in the Canadian system that have gone through the foster and adoption system and really have been caught off guard with the amount of challenges post adoption that comes with children that have had trauma and undiagnosed mental illness and A lot of times physical illness and, um, [00:02:00] it's, they have felt under resourced, not supported, and it has created trauma in their own life trying to navigate that.
[00:02:07] Carla: So why don't you share with us a little bit about
[00:02:10] Jenell: your story?
[00:02:15] Jenell: I am a mother of a large family, so I have seven Children, um, including mercy. Um, I had six before mercy, of course, and mercy is the baby. So we fell in love with mercy. Well, I fell in love with mercy one day at church and. We ended up bringing her home. Um, there was my husband used the words, what is one more?
[00:02:42] Jenell: So I really thought it was going to be a piece of, I'm going to get this child. I'm going to give her all the food. She can eat. I'm going to put her on. Put her in pretty dresses and put bows in her hair and, you know, put her in private Christian school [00:03:00] like my other kids and we're going to live happily ever after.
[00:03:03] Jenell: And boy, was that not the case. And a lot of it wasn't the case because there was a lot of things that were hidden from us in the adoption. And it was all wrapped around words like we've prayed for a family like yours. So it just seemed so perfect. So, you know, the, they were using all the right. Buzzwords.
[00:03:24] Jenell: And yeah, we ended up in a little bit of a mess. And what did that
[00:03:29] Carla: mess look like? How did that mess manifest in your, your
[00:03:34] Jenell: lives? You know, the issue with me is because of my background in early childhood and because I work with difficult children, um, I'm no stranger to kids. It took a long time for it to manifest.
[00:03:50] Jenell: People will. Tend to think that I maybe should have seen it before, but I really felt that it was a challenge. You know, it was, she needed structure and she [00:04:00] needed guidance and she needed discipline and she did. But what, what also happened was mental illness started creeping in, um, trauma started creeping in.
[00:04:13] Jenell: This child had a past that lifetime movies are made about the don't end well. And didn't know all that. So we brought her in and then all of these things started happening. And I, there was a good part of me that was like, okay, we need more Jesus. I need to pray more. I need to give her more structure. And it was more than that.
[00:04:39] Jenell: And a lot of it was because we weren't told what we should have been told. Yes,
[00:04:44] Carla: because how you approach trauma, and I know this from my own life being a trauma survivor, and how you approach mental illness, and, um, I have that own experience of navigating that with my son who has mental illness is different.[00:05:00]
[00:05:00] Carla: It's different. It's not a, You know, it's not about breaking the will. It's not about getting the child to conform to the rules. There's another layer of compassion and grace and love and understanding and professional help and guidance that's needed.
[00:05:19] Jenell: And when the child has trauma and mental illness combined.
[00:05:24] Jenell: Yes. And when you're unaware, so you're exactly right because everyone will always go to, you know, everyone who loves you and those who don't also, oh, you just need to be stern with her. You know, you just need to do this and you just need to do that. And that can really have you losing a lot of vital time, especially when it comes to children and their brains are developing and you need to.
[00:05:50] Jenell: Put in interventions, and you need to get professional help, as you said, and if you are unaware of of the mess you have, [00:06:00] then it really can hurt you because you waste so much time. What toll did
[00:06:06] Carla: it take on you personally going through this?
[00:06:10] Jenell: It took a huge, it took a huge toll. So, professionally, personally, you know, when I, when we, when mercy came to our lives, I was probably at the height of my career.
[00:06:24] Jenell: If you look at it now, I had 5 child care centers. I was writing grants. I was at the time. I was like, 1 of the largest grant holders for. This early Head Start contract. I today have two child care centers and I'm barely hanging, you know, into them because mentally I'm still affected. Um, my children are, you know, I call the book scattered for a reason.
[00:06:48] Jenell: My, my children are traumatized. Um, me and my husband are, are currently separated and it's not all because of mercy, but it definitely didn't help, you know, the issues we were facing. [00:07:00] So. It did take a big toll and, but I will say even in that toll, it pushed me closer to God.
[00:07:13] Jenell: Yeah. I will say now I'm closer to God than I ever have been. So if there is, um, you know, he's going to get the glory out of this story regardless, but that's the thing, you know, it, it took a huge toll and I'm still traumatized. You know, I'm like, this is what PTSD feels like. This is what, you know, trauma brain feels like.
[00:07:35] Jenell: I have it all right now.
[00:07:37] Carla: Yeah. Now, how did you reconcile in the thick of it? And it sounds like you still are in the thick of it. How do you reconcile like, God, if this is, was your will to care for the orphans, to care for the marginalized, to care for, you know, your children, if, if, if this is in your will, [00:08:00] how is it looking?
[00:08:03] Carla: So Raph, why is there this shattering? How have you reconciled doing what you believe God has called you to do? And at the same time, having this path of destruction
[00:08:16] Jenell: in the wake of it? You know, I have to say, I have to point to Jesus. So we all have a cross and even when he was in that wilderness, sweating blood, you know, he didn't want to do it either, you know, and it wasn't easy for him and it's not easy for us.
[00:08:35] Jenell: Thank God. I have, I am a church girl. And even when I didn't want to acknowledge that I was a church girl, though, that was in me. Right. And so it comes up and God has always told me that. From a, from a long time, what I go through, I have to tell the story. I never thought I would write a book and I never thought I would be [00:09:00]telling a story like this.
[00:09:01] Jenell: Um, because I'm a, I'm a transparent person. Like I will say what I do wrong, what I don't do wrong. You know, I, I've always been that way. And he came to me and. I knew I had to write this book because I had to tell what was going on and not just to tell my story, but to really cause change. And so that's really what my, my prayer is, you know, something good will come, you know, all things work together for the good.
[00:09:33] Jenell: And that's, that, that's my platform that. This is gonna work together. There's gonna be a child that's saved. You know, I know my child is going to be saved. I know my family is going to be reconciled. You know, those are the things, those are my pushes and it didn't come easy. You know, it came probably when I was, you know, crying and didn't want to do this anymore and didn't want to be here anymore that, you know, [00:10:00] God had a place in my heart that, you know, you got to keep going and that I will make a way I'm going to fix this.
[00:10:07] Jenell: Did you ever have
[00:10:08] Carla: moments of regret and then guilt over the regret?
[00:10:14] Jenell: All the time. Yeah. All the time. Because I think that's,
[00:10:18] Carla: that's one of the hard things that I have heard from people is that they welcome these children in and they love them, but there's such destruction that follows that sometimes they have that, did I make the right choice?
[00:10:31] Carla: Do I regret it? You know. And then the guilt and shame that comes with even thinking that.
[00:10:37] Jenell: Yes. Well, you know, I have many children, right? Sometimes I don't like my own kids. So the ones I gave birth to, you know, And we just have to be honest about our emotions. You know, God gave us these emotions for a reason and I really do feel that we, we will experience all of them at one time or another.
[00:10:58] Jenell: And we need to be [00:11:00] honest. It's, it, we shouldn't be filled with shame because this is hard and because we don't have the support and we really may be in over our head. You know, it's true. Those are true feelings. And even if it doesn't work out, you tried. Yeah. You know, the one thing I have to say is, you know, we all make mistakes sometimes, and some mistakes are bigger than others, but what we shouldn't want to do is harm a child.
[00:11:30] Jenell: And when we are going through something and it's, and it's, To the child's detriment, we need to make changes. We shouldn't just keep that child and hurt them. And so I think it takes a different type of person to admit that, but all the time, you know, as a mom, my child has a cold. Um, my child is sick and it gets to something else and I didn't take him in because I thought it was a cold and I feel guilt and shame.
[00:11:57] Jenell: Those are, those are natural things. And [00:12:00] when we're dealing with something this big of a child, that's, you know, Ripping us apart, sometimes themselves apart, our homes apart, of course, you know, there's nothing we should be shamed about because very few people are going to be able to do this perfectly.
[00:12:20] Carla: Yeah. And how is mercy
[00:12:23] Jenell: doing now? You know, we are still on this journey. Yeah. So, um, and, and you talk about guilt and shame, even where we're at now, mercy is in a, is in a group home. She lives outside the home. Um, and that's what's safest and she's doing remarkably better. Um, but we've made a decision that she still has quite a few issues and it's not safe for the family to come home.
[00:12:53] Jenell: Well, they want her to come home because they say she's doing better. But the experts that I've [00:13:00] brought in have said, no, we don't think that's a good idea. So the people without the degree, I will say guilt and shame. And they make me feel bad every meeting, every conference, because I won't let her come home.
[00:13:13] Jenell: And they say that like, they tell me things like, you know, she's only acting the way she's acting because she's uncertain about her future. But she was acting that way before, but it's, it's, it's a shame and guilt complex to try to get me to bring her home. And what's really difficult is I already feel it, you know, I'm praying about it.
[00:13:34] Jenell: I'm, I'm crying about it. You know, I'm, I'm pleading to God, like, you don't help me. Like I feel so bad and they like to just rub it in and make me feel worse. So I get those emotions.
[00:13:48] Carla: And how did you navigate with no information, like how, how would you advise someone who is struggling right [00:14:00] now in a similar situation that, you know, in Canada, it's children's aid, I don't know what it's called in the States, but.
[00:14:08] Carla: where the children's aid isn't giving you all the information or they don't have the resources or, which is also the case in Canada and maybe in the U. S., to get anything that's covered, the wait list is so long, like to get help, you could be waiting 15, 16 months, and meanwhile everything is falling
[00:14:28] Jenell: apart.
[00:14:30] Jenell: Yes. So depending on what state you're in, it's called different things. So in Arizona, it's called DCS. Um, but some it's called CPS, child protective services. Um, it's, the names vary and we do, we have the problem. I can get the services, um, but they're not very good. So if they have high turnover rates, and so the, the issues, you know, building the team is one of the [00:15:00] things I'll say, you know, you have to figure out who can support you and it's not typically who you think it is.
[00:15:10] Jenell: It's not. Necessarily all your friends and your family, because let's face it. They only want to be with you for so long. They love you, but they only want to hear about the trauma and the chaos we're going through for so long. And often, I feel we need to, we need to combine with people that share the same journey with us.
[00:15:29] Jenell: Some, some seasoned ones that have been navigating it longer, um. One thing that really helped me was I found something in Arizona called Jacob's Law, and it was a law that protected us against mental health issues for parents, you know, with foster and adoptive kids. If there's not those books on, if there's not those things on the books, then we need to start coming together with our support and, and.
[00:15:57] Jenell: Getting legislation and getting that, those things done. [00:16:00] So it's really about exercising all of our resources. And I'm going to be honest, not all of them are there because there's not a lot of transparency in the system. And we have to talk about it. We have to give honest, real stories, not only of what's happening to these children, but what's happening to these happening, happening to us as families, because that's the only way we're going to change.
[00:16:24] Jenell: You know, we can't keep it in the dark. And that's what's happened. You know, we have to bring it to the light and that's, that's biblical. We have to bring what's going on in the dark to the light. Where
[00:16:37] Carla: are you seeing God's fingerprints and all this and the trauma and the turmoil and the shattering?
[00:16:45] Carla: Where are you seeing God's
[00:16:46] Jenell: fingerprints? You know, I see it all over because he's with. With me, you know, he's never left me. His word says he'll never leave or forsake you. And he hasn't now. I think sometimes I [00:17:00] leave him or I act like he's not there or I don't go to him. But he's there, you know, and that's probably where I find the most comfort is he's here even when it doesn't seem like it, you know, I have to, I have to be quiet and I have to listen and, and, and really pray and seek and sometimes we do go through silent seasons, but he's there.
[00:17:24] Jenell: What words
[00:17:25] Carla: of encouragement would you give a mom right now who is struggling, um, with an adoptive child or even their own child that is heavily weighed down by trauma and mental illness and just feeling overwhelmed? What encouragement would you
[00:17:47] Jenell: give her? You know, I think all moms. Whether it's, you know, a typical child, whether it's an autistic child, definitely a mentally ill child, definitely a child affected by trauma.
[00:17:59] Jenell: [00:18:00] It's hard. This being a mom is not an easy walk, period. And you know what? Sometimes we need to just give ourselves Uh, you know, we, we need to be kind to ourselves and we need to know that this isn't an easy journey. Even, you know, when we have babies and we're going, some of us go through postpartum, you know, it is hard and that's okay.
[00:18:26] Jenell: You know, we need to give ourselves some self care and some self love and grace. And then we need to, we need to look for help. You know, we need to try to build that community, try to find those resources. And if we don't have them, we have to build them, but, but we have to surround ourselves with people that are going to be kind to us.
[00:18:49] Jenell: You know, I saw something the other day, um, I was listening to something and a question was asked and she said, how would you respond to a friend [00:19:00] that talks to you the same way you talk to yourself? Now, some people may talk to themselves nice. I don't always, but I wouldn't let anybody else talk to me that way.
[00:19:12] Jenell: And we can't beat ourselves up. We need to be encouraging and kind to ourselves as we're going through these journeys.
[00:19:20] Carla: I love that too. And there's no need to wear that Wonder Woman, Super Woman cape. We all need help and there's no shame in asking for help. It doesn't make you less of a mom. It makes you real.
[00:19:34] Jenell: Yeah. Yes. And we have to model that for our children. You know, we don't want our children seeing us perfect because then that's a standard our children have to live up to. You know, if our children see us making mistakes and apologizing and being kind to ourselves. That's what we're, we're teaching by modeling.
[00:19:54] Carla: I love that. What's the takeaway you hope someone gets from reading shattered? [00:20:00]
[00:20:00] Jenell: My takeaway is that we, we begin to have these conversations, these really hard conversations about what is going on in the lives of these children and that we become advocates for these children. Often I feel that because these children don't have a voice.
[00:20:18] Jenell: That's why or parents. That's why these horrible things are allowed to happen to them. And that's not right. That's not fair. We can't bring children into our system and continue to traumatize and abuse them because they don't have a parent that's taking advantage of a susceptible population. So I'm hoping that we begin.
[00:20:41] Jenell: To have the conversations and really make changes that are going to affect these children for the better and the families that service them. And
[00:20:50] Carla: where can people find your book, find you if they want to reach out and connect with you? I'll put this all in the show notes, but where can people. [00:21:00] Grab your book and see you more.
[00:21:03] Jenell: So I have a website. It's JanelleJones. com and my book is for sale there. Um, it's also now available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Um, I have a TikTok. A lot of things you can find me through. Um, my website, and I'm very connectable. I'm, I'm, I'm a real person, so I'm very touchable. I'm very much one you can talk and communicate with.
[00:21:29] Carla: I love that. Thank you so much for being here and sharing this. And I know it's not easy to talk about it, but you're right. It's conversations we need to have. And I just appreciate you sharing
[00:21:40] Jenell: it so much. Thank you for having me. This has been amazing and I'm so grateful to you for giving this platform because it's definitely needed.
[00:21:50] Carla: Absolutely. All right guys, take care.
[00:21:59] Carla: [00:22:00] Thanks for joining me today. I hope we're already friends on social media, but if we're not, come find me on Instagram at Carla Arges or at Affirming Truth. Can't wait to see you back here next week.
[00:22:12] Jenell: Bye friends.