S6 Bonus 6 | Getting to The Root of Your Anger
In today’s bonus episode, Carla takes you through some reflective questions she’s been asking her clients lately as they have described wanting to live a successful life.
What truly is a successful life from the kingdom perspective?
And how do you get there?
Grab a paper and pen and jot down your thoughts - then head over to instagram and share them with Carla!
Understanding Anger
Anger is often a secondary emotion, covering underlying feelings of fear or sadness.
The Source of Anger
Consider that anger may be triggered by personal fears or past experiences, rather than external factors.
Example Scenarios
Carla provides examples to illustrate how seemingly minor issues, like unfulfilled requests, can trigger deep-seated fears and sadness.
Becoming a Detective
Play detective when anger arises, examining the root cause and inviting the Holy Spirit for guidance.
Healing and Identity
Carla emphasizes the importance of healing, renewing the mind, and rooting one's identity in Christ to gain control over anger.
3 THINGS TO REMEMBER
Root Cause:
Anger often stems from deeper emotions like fear or sadness.
Inner Detective:
Play detective to understand and address the root causes of anger.
Healing and Identity:
Healing, renewing the mind, and grounding identity in Christ can lead to mastering responses to anger.
Connect With Carla:
Inquire about 1:1 coaching ---> carlaagreswellness@gmail.com
Join In His Image Wellness Collective ---> carlaargeswellness@gmail.com
Come hangout on IG with me @carlaarges
Check out the blog
TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Hey friends, welcome to Affirming Truths. I'm your friend and host, Carla Arges. This show is a safe place to share our struggles, grow in faith, and root our identity in Christ. My hope is that you will leave each episode feeling encouraged in your journey. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review.
[00:00:30] I am so glad you're here. Let's get started. Hello friends and welcome to this bonus episode. Today I am going to talk about something that was requested in the free Facebook group that I run, where I often get people um, wanting me to talk about certain things, address certain things on the podcast. And today we're going to talk about anger.
[00:00:59] [00:01:00] Oh, I am so familiar with that one. But before we dive in, I want to tell you about three new things that are exciting and that you should know about. First new thing is I am getting new podcast cover art. So right now my podcast cover art has that bright pink background and you're probably used to seeing it that way.
[00:01:23] It is changing my Self made podcast art is being replaced with a professionally made podcast art. And so it is a lighter color. You're not going to see that bright pink, um, but you will see my face. You will still see affirming truths. It will look different. So starting next week. Be on the lookout for new podcast art so you don't miss episodes by not seeing what you're familiar with.
[00:01:52] So that's the number one new thing. Number two, I have a new website. I don't know if you've had a chance to check it [00:02:00] out. CarlaArges. com. I am so excited about it. Podcast show notes are going to live there. We're still catching up on that. So they're not all there yet. You know, it's a work in progress, but you can see my offerings.
[00:02:13] You can see the shop. Um, you can learn about in his image wellness collective and one on one coaching and I am blogging again. So there is a blog there. It has all my old blog posts. I actually with blogging before I was podcasting and I am going to be blogging again. Now I'm not making a commitment to how many blog posts a month, but I will be blogging and sharing, um, my heart, sharing what God shows me, um, on all things, faith, motherhood, mental health, you know, what, whatever.
[00:02:52] And so that's the second thing. And the third thing, which is exciting, and I kind of mentioned it in an earlier [00:03:00] podcast is I have a new signature coaching offer that I'm so excited about. It's bringing my four pillars of thriving personalized to you in one on one coaching six months. We're going to journey together and you are going to have an incredible.
[00:03:16] Transformation, your overwhelm, your anxiety, your depression is not going to run you anymore. You are going to become a master over it and thrive and walk in joy and walk in ease and walk where God wants to call you. Your relationships are going to improve. It's just going to be phenomenal. And so I can't wait to work with you guys in this one on one capacity, moving through the four pillars of thriving.
[00:03:50] And you can find out more about that and apply on the website, CarlaArges. com. Okay, let's talk anger [00:04:00] because that's a big one. And I'm going to preface it by saying this. I. I used to be a rageaholic and I described it even that I would have like these out of body experiences and it was like floating Carla could see regular Carla raging and I just could not get control of her.
[00:04:25] It was beyond my control and the things that would trigger my rage were so ridiculous and I just felt like it consumed me and I couldn't rein it in. Now, that rage that I was experiencing that I had no control over was actually part of my bipolar and my BPD. So since I have been medicated, since I have been learning BPD coping skills, my anger and my rage.
[00:04:56] Is gone. Not that I never get angry, but like, [00:05:00] I don't rage. It's not consuming. I don't lose control. I am, um, And really I don't get angry that much anyways now. And so one thing I want you to consider if you are having a huge problem with rage, Um, not just anger, but rage. And you seem like It is beyond your control.
[00:05:23] I want you to consider that maybe there's something biochemical going on there and that you should talk to your doctor and rule out any type of. Mental illness that can have rage as a factor. So I just want to go ahead and say that because I think that's important. I think that we don't talk a lot about rage when we talk about mental illness.
[00:05:46] We talk about anxiety. We talk about depression. You know, we talk about overwhelm. We talk about ruminating thoughts. I do not hear a lot of people talk about rage and anger. [00:06:00] And it is actually. A symptom of many mental illnesses, including depression, sometimes people think depression is just sad. No, depression can be agitation.
[00:06:12] Depression can be anger. So I really want you guys to consider that, um, in your dealing with anger. Now, anger, anger, I don't know if you know this, is not really a primary emotion, it is a secondary emotion that is usually covering fear or sadness. And so let's talk about this. And today when we're talking about anger, we're not going to talk about righteous anger.
[00:06:41] There is a time and a place for righteous anger. There is a way to be angry and sin not, just like the Bible calls us to, right? So righteous anger is not a sin. We're not going to discuss that today because the context of the question I got in the group really was about inappropriate anger. [00:07:00] Being always angry losing control.
[00:07:03] So we're going to focus this talk on just that type of anger And if you guys want I can always do an episode in the future that really compares and contrasts righteous anger and unrighteous anger But right now we're just going to talk about The anger that's not healthy, that's not helpful, that consumes us, that ruins relationships, that um, you know, affects our motherhood, affects our friendships, all of that.
[00:07:32] So like I said, anger is actually a secondary emotion and it usually covers sadness or fear. So here is something that I want you guys to consider. When you get angry, it's not actually about the other person. I know we think it is, oh, they did this, they said that, they didn't do this, they let me down. Um, [00:08:00] and I want you to consider the fact that it's actually not about them.
[00:08:05] When you're angry, it's because you've been triggered. It's because something in you that connects to your fear, that connects to your sadness, that connects to your trauma has been triggered. How does that sound? If you think about it and you play detective, does that hit? But it's not actually about the other person, it's that a fear or sadness in you has been triggered.
[00:08:38] And so to really get to the root of the anger, you have to get to the root of your fear and your sadness. And what do I mean by that? Let's take an example. Let's say you asked your husband to take out the trash and the next day comes and the trash is overflowing and you get [00:09:00] mad. You never do anything.
[00:09:02] Every time I ask you something, I have to be your mom. You never follow through. You know, anger usually takes something small and makes big sweeping generalizations about it. You never, you always. So what's really going on there? Are you really that mad that he didn't take out the garbage? Or has it triggered a fear in you that maybe he doesn't respect you?
[00:09:30] Maybe when you were growing up as a kid, you felt like your needs were never met by your parents. And so seeing a need not being met triggers the fear that that's happening again. Makes you question your worth and your value, makes you afraid that you're not valuable enough. Maybe it makes you sad because you tied him taking the garbage out to your value because of your past experiences, right?
[00:09:58] It's not [00:10:00] really. about the garbage. It's about what you have allowed that garbage to represent in your life based on your past experiences, and now you're triggered by it, right? Or our kids, for example, when we ask them to do something, put on your shoes, we gotta get to school. Put on your shoes, we gotta get to school.
[00:10:21] I told you to put on your shoes, right? That gets frustrating. Why are we getting angry in the moment, right? Especially when we have to take into account child development, how fast they move, and all of that. Why are we getting triggered? It's because we feel like We're not being heard. It's because we feel like we have this, this expectation of motherhood and compliance over us.
[00:10:50] And if my kids aren't being compliant and I'm failing at motherhood and I'm afraid to fail, right? Are we getting somewhere here? [00:11:00] If you want to understand. Why you're getting angry, and if you want to change why you're getting angry, if you want to change the way that anger is showing up in your life and affecting your relationships, you're going to have to get curious and play detective about what is really being triggered, what is really being triggered, and you need to invite the Holy Spirit into this, like Holy Spirit, reveal to me, purge me, Heal me.
[00:11:37] And it may be that you even need to go to therapy and work through some of those triggers and work through some of those traumas and work through some of those experiences from the past that are keeping you captive in the present in anger. You gotta do the work and figure it out. You gotta do the [00:12:00] work and be willing to say, Wow, my anger is actually about me.
[00:12:06] It's not about them. And if my anger is actually about me, then that means there's something I have to change. That means I have a responsibility to heal. That means I have to do the work. It's not other people's job to stop making me angry. It's my job. to stop being triggered. Because let's be honest, when we are in that anger cycle, the things that we get angry about are the type of things that don't matter a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
[00:12:44] They may not even matter 10 minutes from now in the moment. So it's actually not about that stuff. It's about the fear or the sadness it's triggering in you [00:13:00] because of your past experiences and how you have, how you have, hear me, inaccurately identified yourself, right? How you have inaccurately identified yourself.
[00:13:19] You have identified yourself as not being heard, so I need to be heard. You have identified yourself as only valuable if A, B, or C happens. You've identified yourself as only capable if You know, so and so does what I need them to do, right? Like you have identified yourself based on all these external factors that when they don't line up, when your kids don't fall in line, when your husband doesn't fall in line.
[00:13:51] You feel your identity shaken, and that gets the anger going. You have to root your [00:14:00] identity in Christ. Your value, your worth, your love, loveliness, your beauty. Your capability, your strength, all of that is rooted in Christ. When you are rooted in Christ, when you know your identity as a mother comes from God, and that how your child behaves in the moment is not a reflection on you, but you have the opportunity and love and grace to disciple them, it changes.
[00:14:36] When you are rooted in Christ, when you know that you know that you know who you are, based on the Word of God, based on what your Heavenly Father has declared over you, spilled milk is not going to make you angry. Right? And that's not to say you don't get [00:15:00] frustrated sometimes. That's not to say you don't get angry sometimes.
[00:15:03] I'm not saying we eradicate the emotion. I am just saying the emotion doesn't have to drive us. The emotion doesn't have to be in control. We can be in control. We can decide how we're going to respond Versus react in the moment anger presents itself to us. How am I going to respond in this moment?
[00:15:29] Knowing my identity in Christ Changes things and so I really want to encourage you root yourself in God Use my affirmation cards who you say I am affirmation cards You can get them on the website to help you root yourself in truth Get into the word. Become a detective of your anger and your triggers.
[00:15:55] Why is this really triggering me? What experience from my [00:16:00] past is this, is this poking at? What unhealed or inaccurate thought process do I have is being triggered here? And how can I heal from that? And how can I gain control over my response? Now, this is something that definitely we can address in the four pillars of thriving because that first pillar is renewing your mind and there's so much depth that goes into renewing your mind.
[00:16:32] It does take looking at hurts and healing and redefining our identity, not based on our past or our hurts or our shame, but based on the word of God. And it's a practice. It's not something you learn overnight. That's why this program is six months. It's a practice. It takes time to get proficient. It takes time to do the inner work, but it's worth it.[00:17:00]
[00:17:00] It's worth it for you to show up as the ambassador of Christ that he's called you to. He's calling you to higher. He's calling you beyond your anger. He's calling you to healing. He's calling you to restoration. He's calling you to grace and mercy. Right?
[00:17:22] So, be a detective, figure it out, heal, invite the Holy Spirit into the process, root your identity in Christ, and become master over your reactions, and become a person that responds in love and grace. It's possible. You're a new creation in Christ. You have the Holy Spirit working in you. You just have to decide you're going to do the work too.
[00:17:54] I'll talk to you later.[00:18:00]
[00:18:00] Thanks for joining me today. I hope we're already friends on social media, but if we're not, come find me on Instagram at Carla Arges or at AffirmingTruths. Can't wait to see you back here next week. Bye friends.