S8. Bonus 6 |Toxicity in Relationships: Shifting Perspectives and Implementing Healthy Boundaries
In this bonus episode Carla tackles the complex issue of dealing with toxic relationships, particularly focusing on family members. Drawing from personal experiences and listener questions, Carla explores the power of language in shaping our emotions and actions. She offers a fresh perspective on redefining those we consider 'toxic' by understanding their background and struggles, which can transform our approach and interaction with them. The episode delves deeply into the importance of setting healthy boundaries based on personal values and maintaining relationships through compassionate and respectful engagement.
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Key Takeaways
Reframing Perception:
Carla discusses the impact of labeling someone as toxic, suggesting that alternative descriptors like 'unhealed' or 'lacking empathy' can alter our emotional response and interaction dynamics. This shift from a label of toxicity to understanding underlying issues can foster compassion and open avenues for more constructive relationships.
Setting Healthy Boundaries:
Emphasizing the need for boundaries in even the healthiest relationships, Carla outlines how to establish and maintain boundaries that reflect personal values and encourage respectful communication. This strategy helps manage difficult interactions without completely severing ties.
Behavior and Reciprocity:
The podcast highlights how changing our own behavior towards someone can lead to positive changes in their behavior towards us. Carla shares how adopting a new perspective and behavior based on compassion and understanding can significantly alter the dynamics of a relationship.
Spiritual Perspective on Relationships:
Carla encourages listeners to view others through a 'lens of love' and compassion, reflecting on how this approach aligns with Christian values and can positively influence interactions and relationship stability.
Connect With Carla:
Inquire about 1:1 coaching ---> carlaagreswellness@gmail.com
Renewing Hope Course —-> https://www.carlaarges.com/renewing-hope
Come hangout on IG with me @carlaarges
Check out the blog
Resources:
5 Steps to Building Resiliency
Affirming Truths Facebook Community
5 Tips for Overcoming a Negative Body Image
Who You Say I Am Biblical Affirmation Cards
TRANSCRIPT
Carla Arges [00:00:02]:
Hey, friends. Welcome to this bonus episode of affirming truths. For the next few weeks, my bonus episodes are going to be based on listener questions I've gotten from my personal Instagram. So if you ever want an Instagram. Sorry. If you ever want a podcast topic discussed, I often ask for feedback on Instagram. Or you can always slide into my dms. I did start a new Instagram account in December, so make sure you're following the right one.
Carla Arges [00:00:36]:
It's at Carla Arges. Carla Arges. That's my new account. And like I said, the next few bonus episodes are going to be answering questions that people have asked. And today we're going to address the topic. The question that I got asked, how do you get rid of or break up with toxic people, toxic family members? And to get started, there's a couple of ways I want to approach this, and it may not be the way you think. First, I want you to understand and be careful with the words you choose to use. I have been guilty of this in the past myself, but when we label people toxic, which they very well may be, but when we label people toxic, we actually create emotions in our bodies that turn into behaviors.
Carla Arges [00:02:01]:
So how we interact with that person when we are feeling the emotion of toxicity is going to look different than if we label that person in a different way. So I want us to be really clear with language. The words that we use have power. In my personal life, I, for the longest time, labeled my sister as someone toxic. That she just sucks the energy of the room. She's so negative. She is constantly putting me down in backhanded ways. It was just really hard on my mental health to be around her, and I labeled her toxic.
Carla Arges [00:02:48]:
Now, the problem with that is when I had her in my head labeled as toxic, whenever I had to interact with her, whenever I had to be in her presence, that word toxic created in me emotions of anxiety, defensiveness, skepticism, judgment. It created all these emotions in me. And you have to remember, and I've told you this before, our beliefs create our thoughts, which drive our emotions, which turn into our behaviors. So how I was approaching my sister was different based on the emotions I was creating with myself by labeling her as toxic. And at one point, I completely cut her out of my life. While I had this idea in my head that she was toxic, once I changed my language, it changed how I felt in her presence, and it changed how I behaved in her presence. And I have been able to, with boundaries, have a relationship with her that I wasn't able to have with her before, when I was using the language of toxicity. Now, this isn't to give them a pass, but when I started to label my sister as someone who was unhealed, when I started to label my sister as someone who didn't have the capacity for empathy, when I started to look at my sister as someone who had been through trauma and had not yet healed from it, it gave me a different sense of emotions towards her.
Carla Arges [00:04:31]:
Now, these truths don't allow for bad behavior, but it helps us to understand it. And when I was looking at her as someone who was unhealed, when I was looking at her as someone that didn't have capacity, my emotions towards her changed from anxious and defensive to compassionate and full of grace, I was able, actually to see her more the way Jesus sees her when I changed my language around her. And with that, I've been able to engage in relationship with her. Now, there is still boundaries. Of course. Every relationship, even good relationships, have boundaries. That's why they're good, right? There are certain things that I will not accept. The conversation will end.
Carla Arges [00:05:19]:
We'll have a little bit of a hiatus from communication if needed. But can I tell you that the change in my behavior, because of the change in the language I was using, has started to produce a change in her behavior towards me? It has started to change her behavior towards me in response to my behavior changing and the energy I bring to that relationship changing. So before we go about talking about how to cut out toxic people from your life, I want you to really consider the language that you're using. Is it that they are fundamentally toxic, or is it that they're fundamentally hurt, that they're unhealed, that they've had trauma, that they suffer from mental illness, that they never learned how to emotionally regulate? Is it possible that they don't have the capacity to be who you want them to be or who you need them to be? And with that possibility in mind, are you able to switch your gaze towards them with one of compassion? Are you able to see them more as someone made in the image of God when you change your language towards them? And how does that softened heart allow you to interact with them differently now? Absolutely. You need to have boundaries and boundaries to create healthy boundaries. Right? So boundaries are not meant to manipulate someone else's behavior. Boundaries are not meant to give you an excuse to never have tough conversations. That's not healthy boundaries.
Carla Arges [00:07:13]:
Healthy boundaries align to our values. How do I want to be treated? And boundaries can exist in multiple different realms. There's physical boundaries emotional boundaries, sexual boundaries, financial boundaries. There's more. I actually talk a lot about this in the renewing hope course. There's a whole section on boundaries and showing you how to implement a boundary and showing you how to address a boundary when it's been crossed. So keep that in mind. It's all there for you in renewing hope.
Carla Arges [00:07:48]:
But first you have to check your values. What are your values? And your boundaries should be that which encompasses your values. So if I value open, honest and kind communication, then a boundary is going to be, our communication has to look that way. We can definitely have tough conversations. We can definitely be angry with each other, right? Our boundaries aren't meant to control another person's emotions. We can have anger. But how do we communicate that? Here's my boundary, and if you cross my boundary, I'm going to have to end the conversation or end the interaction until you're capable to communicate in such a way that is respectful and helpful and brings a resolution to the issue. Now, when it's a family member, it's a lot tougher because there's so many interconnectedness in families, right? Like when I was having a hard time with my sister, there was still Christmas, and obviously she's going to be at my parents for Christmas, and I have to be at my parents at Christmas.
Carla Arges [00:08:51]:
So how do you navigate that? You can never really fully, usually cut out a family member without having to lose contact with other ones as well, or miss out on opportunities to grow other relationships because you choose not to be at events where they are. So before thinking of cutting them completely out, think about how you can change your perspective towards them. In turn, change your behavior towards them. And then try softer boundaries. Try softer boundaries because if you want to go right from to cutting them out, I have a suspicion that you actually haven't tried to implement and enforce a healthy boundary. I have a suspicion because it is actually a lot harder to communicate and uphold a healthy boundary than it is just to cut someone out and say, I'm not talking to you anymore. There's a different level of maturity that comes with creating and holding a boundary, in wanting to still honor and hold space for a relationship. So what are your values? Create your boundaries around your values, communicate clearly your boundary, and don't communicate it in the heat of the moment.
Carla Arges [00:10:15]:
Be more intentional when things are not in the heat of the moment and say, I've been evaluating my life. I've decided to put certain boundaries up in place to protect my mental health and to protect my peace. I no longer engage in conversations that include yelling or name calling or gossip or whatever the issue is. So if our conversations tend to go that way, please know that I will end the conversation, and I hope that you can respect this boundary and then you follow through with that when that happens. But first, this is what I want us to get to. What is God's heart? God's heart is for relationship and for family. That's what God's heart is for. Now, that does not mean God wants you to tolerate being a doormat.
Carla Arges [00:11:11]:
Absolutely not. God is not know. Stay in abuse and be abused at all costs. No, that is actually not. Christ, like Jesus, did not stay in situations that were abusive until it was his time to choose the cross and go to the cross. He did not let people mishandle him and mistreat him. He had boundaries. So you absolutely can have boundaries.
Carla Arges [00:11:36]:
But I first want you to get to the heart. How am I viewing this person? How can I look at this person through the lens of love? How can I look through this person with the lens of grace and compassion? How can I look at them the way Christ looks at them? And how can I change my behavior in how I interact with them based on this new thought process? As I change my thoughts about them, my behavior will change. And oftentimes when we change our behavior towards someone, their behavior starts to shift as well. So that is how I would answer that question. First, check your words. Change how you see them. Get rid of the word toxic, replace it with more compassionate language. Soften your heart to reflect the heart of Jesus, and then maintain healthy boundaries.
Carla Arges [00:12:29]:
All right, if you guys want any other topics addressed, come see me at Carla Arges on Instagram and let me know. And like I said, we talk about boundaries. In renewing hope, it is a course to help you go from overwhelmed and barely making it through the day and not being present and being anxious and disassociated to being fully present in your life. Healed. Learning how to walk through life with trauma, rewiring your mind so it reflects the truth of God and so much more. And you can always get that in my show notes. But to start, get my freebie. Renewing your mind link is in the show notes.
Carla Arges [00:13:12]:
It's free. It's always available to you. And I hope you guys have a great day. Be blessed. Bye.